Memorial Day

Each year I reflect on the meaning of this holiday. Amid the activities and celebrations, I try to think about those who feel so passionate about our country, our freedom, that they have sacrificed their lives. I think even more about the families who are without a loved one, and it touches me more than ever now as a mother of two sons. I hope for peace for all of those whose hearts ache on this day.

This year, however, has personal significance for me aside from the holiday itself. A year ago today was the worst day of my life. I had reached the lowest low of my postpartum depression and by midmorning on Memorial Day 2006 was completely non-functional. I was unable to feed my children or myself, and even seeing my babies asleep caused me such panic that I couldn't bring myself to look at them. In the twisted rationale of depression, I decided that I was a complete failure as a mother and that the only thing I could do was leave. As silly as it sounds now, I had to run, to escape. I didn't care about anyone or anything except not feeling like I felt anymore. The day wore on with loving interventions from Noah and my parents, and by the afternoon I was able to "visit" my children, who were at my parents' house. My heart ached as I felt totally debilitated by my depression, unable to be what my little boys needed and deserved. With the combination of medication, therapy, family support and my own strength, the depression gradually lessened and I was able to care for my family again.

It amazes me that it has only been a year since that awful day. So much has changed. I care for my children now with great joy and confidence. I wake each day with more excitement than I ever have before. I treasure my boys - we spend our days laughing, learning and loving each other. I know that they are happy, I know that they are healthy, and I know that they know they are loved. I (along with their wonderful father) have managed to create this for them when a year ago I didn't believe it was possible.

I have wanted this anniversary to come and go for a long time now. I want it to be five years, ten years, fifty years ago that I ever could have felt so helpless and hopeless. But one year it is, and I will celebrate my transformation as I continue to enjoy my blessings and be grateful for the peace that is now in my head and my heart.